Finally!

Hi everyone. Hope your holidays were good.

I think I need to apologize for the length between posts but I finally discovered Facebook and have been spending all of my time over there.

But, that's no what the Finally! in my subject is referring to. I finally, as of this moment, am caught up on my New Yorker subscription. Joy!

As we learned in yesterday’s lesson, today is my birthday. It snowed quite a few inches last night (about five) and so that right there makes me giddy on my birthday. You can probably trace the giddiness back to when I was in school and there was a chance that snow on my birthday =ed snow day. Even though snow on my birthday now means crappy commute, I still like it.

The day started out a little rough (Icy roads and a bad latte experience at Whole Foods. Did I speak too soon?) but once safely at work with my warm beverage, things improved. First off, I learned that the governor gave all state employees (that’s me!) an extra day off for the holidays. I already get x-mas and the day after, along with new year’s eve and new years day. Now I can pick either x-mas eve or January 2nd for free. That merits a little happy dance.

Then I found out that the custom blinds I ordered a few weeks ago are arriving today. (Come on, I’m getting older and I’m a home owner. These things excite me. Not so much to merit a happy dance, but still.)I also had to make a series of appointments today (all for good stuff – no doctors!) and those all fell into line too. Again, no happy dance but a little happy head-grooving.

People at my new job are still figuring out that I exist so I didn’t really expect any kind of pomp or circumstance today but I also didn’t expect to get quite so many birthday emails from my former colleagues. It seems my last group kept me on the birthday list and most people (including my former manager) sent me a note to say happy b-day. It was sweet and made me miss them. (Of course, the two individuals who were horrible to me didn’t say anything. No surprise there. And, of course, I don’t miss them.)

Tonight, a few friends will be coming over for dinner that I won’t be cooking. In keeping with the feats of strength tradition (you might recall that I did 32 vinyasas when I turned 32), I’m going to go with 34 sips of champagne. You might think it’s no big deal but it kind of is for a Tuesday night when you’ve only been at your job a week and you have a check-in with your new boss early the next morning. Wish me luck!

And the winner is...

After a week of trying to find a good place for a latte (kind of) on the way to work, I've settled on Whole Foods.

My last job had a coffee shop on site which was awesome (and cheap!) and they didn't charge extra for soy. Unfortunately, there's no on site coffee place at my new job and no good coffee shop near from my house. There's a Starbucks in a supermarket but it's a Starbucks and it's in a supermarket. (Why do super markets always smell like super markets.) On top of that, the people who work there are absolutely crazy. They take forever and are surly (not in a good way).

Anyway, out of all of the places I tried last week, Whole Foods was the cheapest and also offered the best discount for brining your own mug. Works for me.

In other news, it's snowing right now for the second real time this season. It's pretty and cozy and makes me want to drink hot chocolate from the new Nordic Elf mugs I bought from William's Sonoma last week. What can I say? The gleeful little elf roped me in. In addition to the coziness factor, I'm excited about the snow because (and I'm honestly not saying this because I want you guys to say anything back) but tomorrow is my birthday and I love it when it snows on my birthday!

Out of shape

You know how the saying goes: If you don't use it, you lose it. So because I haven't been using my blogging brain too much, I feel like I'm no good at blogging. In fact, I feel like I'm out of blogging shape. Makes sense, considering I'm out of shape in every other facet of my life too so why not writing?

Still, I'm trying. I may have to stop for some gatorade before I'm done with this post.

I started my new job this past week and so far so good. From what I can tell, I'm part of a team of motivated, supportive, smart and hardworking people. So pretty much the opposite of my previous situation (and I couldn't be happier!!!). My coworkers treat me with respect and make me feel like they want me to be part of the team so I already feel as much a part of things as I felt as part of my last team. New jobs can be really lonely (and don't get me wrong, there have been some lonely moments) but honestly, I don't think it's been any worse than where I came from. I mean, at least people aren't personally attacking me. So I guess that's the positive of the situation: my last team set the bar so low that already, my new team is fantastic!

As for the physical out-of-shapeness, I signed up for a triathlon training program that begins at the end of January so that will take care of that. It's all falling into place. The only real problem I'm having right now is finding a good coffee shop for my morning latte.As far as problems go, I'll take the coffee shop dilemma any day.

signed, sealed, delivered

well, really it was more like signed, scanned, emailed. it's official. I start my new gig two weeks from Tuesday, less than twelve hours after my flight from Pittsburgh lands. I have to quit tomorrow. it seems like quitting should be easy, given the horrible experiences I've had with the people I work with. however, I've had a lot of really good experiences with people the people I don't work with and I'm going to miss them.

when I first moved out here, I really had no one and there's a small group of incredible people who became my support network. true, I don't see them at work all that often and I will continue to see them once I'm gone. still, it was nice to know they were only a few offices away.

anyway, I haven't quit a job in a while and I'm wondering the best way to handle this. we have a weekly team meeting Monday's at 10:30. should I just slip it in as part of what I'm working on? "I'm working on X, Y, and Z and oh, by the way, you people suck and I quit."?

this week's victories

the election results from this past Tuesday are an obvious victory. while I'm happy about the results on a public level, I'm happy about them on a personal level as well. as most of you know from previous posts, I have a few coworkers who, quite frankly, are horrid. part of their horridness has been the smear campaign that they've mounted against me. it's been tough to deal with but the election has provided me with a good way of talking about it and a method to take a step back an analyze the situation.

I began to see that the best way for me to deal with the situation was to "take the barak obama route" and rise above it. that gave me the strength to rise above the pettiness. I also began to see how similar my coworkers are to John McCain (and Palin), which gave me a handy way to reference them. ("wow - did you hear what John McCain said today? ridiculous!", etc.)

I sort of began to take a personal interest in it all and think that Obama defeating McCain was like me defeating them. and guess what? we kicked their butts. which leads me to victory #2...

I've been told that an offer is coming my way. freedom is within my grasp. I still can't believe it. but because I can't believe it (and because I'm not yet holding freedom in my hands) no official details (though I guess I can say that I will be working for a large educational entity and let you put the pieces together through the context clues).

and finally,I went to the doctor on Thursday and was told that my perpetually broken leg (did you guys even know about that?) is finally healed. I'm allowed to run again! only 8 minutes every other day at this point but at least that's something. I went for my first 8 min run on Thursday and it was wonderful.


(for those of you who don't know, I was diagnosed with a fairly serious stress fracture some time in August. apparently, I was pretty darn close to my leg being completely broken. oopsie, I guess but I honestly thought a broken bone would hurt more than that... anyway, I haven't been allowed to do anything but swim for the past three months and man, I've gotta tell you, the life aquatic just isn't for me.)

I hope you're all having a festive election day and have voted! in celebration, I took today off, partially to help my friend J. canvas the neighborhood and partially for a two-hour "meeting" about a potentially new career choice. (oh my. do I really want to switch jobs again? oh my...) but, having just finished the "meeting," I'm a little wiped out so I'm not sure I'm up for the canvasing. maybe I can recharge myself with some free starbucks coffee and a free scoop of ben and jerry's. and if that doesn't work, maybe I can re-recharge by visiting a different starbucks and a different ben and jerrys! my god, I love democracy!

at any rate, knowing I had such a big day coming up, I voted early (last Thursday). I thought that I was old and jaded but I'm glad to report I might not be. The evidence: I got a little giddy when I checked the box for my candidate of choice.

tonight, I'm going to a friend of a friend's house to watch the election returns. I'm only planning to stay a bit because a) it's a tad dorky and b) I had too much fun this past weekend and am still recovering. to sum up the fun:

friday I dressed up (as Margot Tenenbaum - complete with wooden finger) and went out to experience Halloween in Boulder. even though I've lived here for three Halloweens, this is the first time I spent Halloween in town. it was nuts, as only Boulder can be. crazy people and costumes and people everywhere along with the annual naked pumpkin run. yep, it's what you think it is - naked people running with pumpkins on their heads - and it's one of the scariest things I've seen at Halloween. why so scary? because let's face it, most people (myself included) just don't look that good naked and, as my friend M. said, even the ones who do don't look good naked and running. amen to that. I eventually found my way to a party and drank to much of the "very, very scary punch," leading to a slightly scary morning after. note for next time - stick with the "scary" or "very scary" punch. to top off the night, I shared a cab with a guy dressed as a treasure troll (pink wig, pink body glitter and yes, he had a jewel in his navel) who kept staring longingly at my very masculine, muscley friend sitting next to him in the cab. some moments in life are priceless.

saturday, I went to see the band devotchka. yes, my friends and I dressed up again and yes, there was more merriment (aka - alcohol). the next day, as I rode my bike to pick up my car (no treasure troll in the cab saturday night) I wondered if I was maybe too old for this sort of thing. but maybe not. there's an ebb and flow to life and nothing is forever. so might as well enjoy things while they last, right? I mean, it's not like I'm out every night. just every other night. so there.

pls. disregard my last post

I've decided I don't care. if you're there, you're there. if you're not, you're not. I'll keep writing either way.

the right ear bud on my headphones at work has stopped working. this is actually a good thing because, for a while, the right was just working less than the left ear bud which made me think that the hearing in my right ear was significantly worse than the hearing in my left and I spent some time (definitely too much time) wondering how it was that could have happened. when I was young and careless, did I purchase too many concert tickets on the right side of the stage? is it cellphone related? and, worst of all, am I really so old that my hearing is starting to go? already?

despite the problem, I'm still listening to music with partial hearing. for the most part, it's fine. however, there's an occasional song (generally from the 60's) where someone thought it would be cool to experiment with the stereo and so you sort of only get half of the song. two things I learned today from this experience: 1) yellow submarine is really quite good without the vocals. 2) Mick Jagger really can't sing much better than I can.

hi.

is anyone still out there?

or, after three months on inactivity, should I expect to be posting to the sound of crickets?

it can be hard to sleep in a new place, there are new sounds, new smells, new lighting, strange noises. it's even harder to sleep when the cat wakes you up at 2:30 in the morning, running around the living room.

now imagine how hard it is to get back to sleep after something like that when you don't have a cat.

well when you put it like that

I had a "date" over the weekend, I guess. I say I guess because in any other part of the country, a ten mile hike wouldn't qualify as a date but here, things are different.

the "date" was with a guy whom, for various reasons, I refer to as cupcake. I originally met cupcake in my yoga class and was bothered by him because, quite frankly, I think it's creepy when guys hit on you in yoga. totally not right. but then, this being Boulder and everyone knowing everyone, I kept running into cupcake and eventually, he said "wanna get together for a hike sometime?" I didn't but I was totally thrown by the question (I also had low blood sugar and had also just spent three hours with a very high-energy friend) so I could only say "oh, um... yeah... we'll work something out in yoga sometime..." (at least I was smart enough not to give him my number.)

then I didn't go to yoga for a month. when I finally went back to class, I was able to avoid cupcake for a few weeks by sitting in the back and quickly rolling up my mat and fleeing the scene as soon as class was over. however, cupcake caught on and so one day last week, he got out of class and cornered me before I could leave. he asked about the hike again and I said okay, fine. I gave him my email address (still no digits) and we set up the hike.

the whole thing was about an eight hour ordeal - pretty ambitious for a first "date," don't you think? well I guess it's a good way to get to know someone. the hike itself was beautiful (beautiful trail, beautiful weather) and he was not an uninteresting guy. however, he's not an unweird guy either. what, exactly, do I mean? well, we were about 15 min. into the date when he brought up the first strange conversation topic which was the pictures his sister sent him of her colonsocopy. other strange topics included a really gross port-a-potty story (followed by him insisting I tell him my grossest port-a-potty story ever), gross dialoge from the movie king pin (he got on this topic after asking me "so what's amish country like?"), the ghost he saw, no, no, no felt, standing above him in his bedroom one morning, and of course, the popluar "I'm ready to settle down and have kids" topic. seriously, what's up with this one? does this happen to other people too or is it just me to whom guys feel the need to confess their desire to have offspring?

he also (and I think without asking) finished the rest of my apple that I was about to throw away. that totally grossed me out because, as we all know, the apple is nature's toothbrush so basically, this guy used my toothbrush on our first date.

so that was it. I guess it could have been worse, right? oh wait. he smelled my armpit at the end of the hike so maybe not.

I'm so stressed about the whole moving/buying a house thing that I can't really even think about it/talk about it/write about it/prepare for it. so, until the move is done, you probably won't hear much from me. I'm too busy sitting in my apartment thinking about how I'm just sitting in my apartment thinking about packing when really, I need to be packing.

so, um, I'm, like, buying a place.

I don't want to post my new address on the web for the world to see so if you want to see my new place, email me and I'll send you the link.

(oh, and today is Abby's 13th birthday. ridiculously amazing!)

hi. long time, no blog. sorry about that. I've been ridiculously busy at work for the past month. in fact, I haven't had a day off in a month now. not one. crazy.

on top of work, there is much going on and I'll have to catch you up when I have a chance. but in the meantime...

let's say, hypothetically, you're hanging out with a friend who potentially has a bit of a crush on you and sort of out of nowhere, the friend says,in a completely honest, matter of fact way, while looking you right in the eye, that what he wants most in life is to have kids in the next two to three years. what's an acceptable reaction in that hypothetical situation? do you think a heartfelt, sincere, "yikes" is okay?

hypothetically, yikes.

rights and wrongs

in case you're all wondering, the house I fell in love with got married to someone else on monday. guess it wasn't meant to be.

it was a good experience though and I learned a lot. however, I can't help but feel like buying a house is analogous to dating. is that wrong? or am I right. and if I'm right, was it wrong that I just broke up with my other realtor and I did it over email? and should I feel like I was kind of cheating on him when I went to look at other houses with someone else before we officially broke up? and should I worry that because I met my mortgage broker through him, it will be awkward to work with her and my new realtor, the way it would be to go to the movies with an ex-boyfriend's friend and a new boyfriend? anyway, just one way to look at it all.

but one more thing: I sleep well at night knowing that whomever my first love married won't decorate him nearly as well as I would have. he didn't know how good he could have had it. isn't that always the case?

one more thing about my health

you know how I said my stomach was hurting every time I ate lunch? turns out it was the 16 oz. latte I had been having every morning. I went dairy free over the weekend and was totally fine. this week, I started drinking americanos again and all's good. so slight lactose intolerance. good to know.

I'd consider giving up dairy completely (I mean, it is unnatural for us to drink the milk of another animal) but ice cream is my favorite food group. and while I enjoy the occasional tofuti cutie, it's just not the same as rocky road.

really, honestly, wonderful

I went to the rheumi on Tuesday and they're almost completely sure that I'm fine.

I don't have RA but there's a chance I could have Lupus because the one blood thingie was kind of really positive. However, you need to have four out of the eleven Lupus symptoms to be diagnosed with Lupus and I only have one (the blood thingie). The doctor said about 5% of people with the blood thingie end up having a false positive (which is a low percentage). However, there are a few factors that can increase your risk of having a false positive; One is if you have a parent with RA (check) and another is if you have a problem with your thyroid (check) so she said she feels pretty sure it's going to be a false positive for me. Just to make sure, they took some blood (actually, a lot of blood!) and are running some more tests to find out for sure. I should know everything in a week or two.

I was so happy I cried in the parking lot after my appointment. sort of like Uma Thurman at the end of Kill Bill Vol. 2 except not as much crying and in a Honda Element instead of a on a bathroom floor.

a proud moment

one more detail to add about my day on Saturday - if you ever find yourself at Oscar Blues in Lyons, Colo, check the top score on the Qbert because it's totally me. (and so is #4 and #10 and #11.)

why boys are good

Friday I had an incredibly wonderful night. I had a massage after work which totally zenned me out. then I had an interesting philosophical conversation outside in the warm, gentle evening light with my friend J while our dogs hung out in the yard. I then drove to the grocery store and bought some chocolate cake that I ate while watching sex and the city reruns.

I was truly happy and thought "who needs a date? this, right now, is just as good, if not better."

but now I am home. alone. and there is a big, stingy thing in here with me.

bugs are totally why god invented boys.

my weekend was good. how was yours?

sometimes, words just don't add anything.

dear rufus v kotum,

today, post-sandwich, post-work, I finally took advantage of your birthday present from many months ago. it was WONDERFUL in a capitalized, italicized sort of way. thank you, very sincerely, from the bottom of my feet.

yours,

lb

(btw, it was way more interesting than I thought and, at some point, involved chocolate, plastic wrap, and these heated bootie things. I couldn't help but think, "if I happen to die right now, this is going to be pretty amusing for whomever happens to fine me.")

I've been toying with the idea of fasting for 24 to 36 hours. something's just not right with my body and the Internet tells me that fasting will allow my body to purge that something from my system. however, fasting seems like it's hard.

on top of the not eating, some of the side effects include pretty much every bad thing that can happen to your body. there's also an good chance for crankiness and you become more sensitive to stimuli in the outside world. one site told me that because the hunger increases the awareness of your senses, loud TVs or radios or people might bother me more. isn't that just another way of saying cranky?

I came up with the fasting idea after lunch today when my stomach didn't feel quite right. I realized that my stomach hasn't felt quite right after lunch for some time now. so if food is causing problems, maybe non-food is a good idea? the sites I consulted also mentioned how fasting was good for "those people who eat whatever they want whenever they want" because it gives your system some time to recover and rest. I felt like they were talking to me personally.

but I thought eating all the time was good because it kept your metabolism up. no?

so I gave it a shot and fasted for... about eight hours. do you think that even counts? instead of flat out fasting, I'm now doing with one site described as "building up to the fast" - having a dinner of brown rice and veggies. maybe I'll give this another try tomorrow. for a few more hours. does that count? if I fast but not for 36 consecutive hours?

the green buddha

we've just begun a huge redesign effort on our company's external site. there is much to do so aside from pee breaks for abby and a brief trip to the tea house down the street for a green buddha (pictured below), I've been at home working for (no joke) the past twelve hours.



I think the green buddha (a frozen blend of green tea, milk, white chocolate and agave) is a drink you get only in Boulder. or maybe it's a drink you can drink openly, without strange looks, only in Boulder. the picture doesn't do it justice. this really is the most vibrant, green beverage I've ever seen (much greener than a shamrock shake) and good, too.

mmmmm.... personal rewards are good! I'm glad I worked hard today.

Race recap

my overall time in yesterday's bolder boulder was not quite as good as I wanted it to be. for the most part, I held steady at my desired pace but somewhere around the halfway point, things went horribly wrong. here's a brief recap of the race, complete with my mile-by-mile times:

Mile 1: 0:08:17.24 - Okay, doing good. Feeling fine. Oooh, a dancing matress!!!!!!
Mile 2: 0:08:47.77 - Slowing it down a bit but I can hold this pace till the end. Good god, those belly dancers really don't help things at all, do they?
Mile 3: 0:09:01.83 - Hmm... I'm starting to feel a little... depleted? I dunno, can't quite put my finger on it but somethings not right... I'm blaming it on the "mellow jazz" type music those stupid musicians have been playing at every stop. Don't they realize this is supposed to be inspirational?
Mile 4: 0:10:53.32 - Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!Ouch!Ouch!Ouch!Ouch!Ouch!Ouch! I've got a cramp in my side, a cramp in my side, a cramp in my side! Wow, that hurts! Dancing mattress, please save me! I don't think I'm gonna make it. And I'm so close to my apartment too... maybe I should just stop? Ouch!Ouch!Ouch!Ouch!Ouch!
Mile 5: 0:08:49.02 - Okay, better? Maybe? I think?
Mile 6: 0:08:48.71 - Okay, better. Definitely better. And no, I don't want any goddamn bacon. Seriously, that's not funny.
Net time: 0:56:24.03 - Done. Phew. That was not exactly fun. But mmmmm, potato chips!

you know what? it's memorial day weekend. I keep forgetting that, probably because I have no big weekend plans and I also have to work. not necessarily the most fun for a holiday weekend but if I can use work now to justify slacking off later I'm okay with it.

the biggest, most exciting thing going on for me this weekend is probably the bolder boulder , a 10K race that takes place on every memorial day. I've predicted that I'm going to win the race, which will be very impressive considering my wave starts 17 minutes after the first wave. now I know what you're thinking: "leeann, you're good but are you that good?" and the answer is yes, I am. it is, however, important to keep in mind that I will be running so fast that I will disrupt the space-time continuum so it may not actually seem like I'm winning. but I am. I totally am. so while it's going to seem like I'm crossing the finish line around 8:15, I'm actually crossing the finish line at 8:15 yesterday, which is way faster than anyone else.

the race starts at 7:00 am which is sooooooooo early and it can be a pain in the butt to get to the start. however, in an effort to avoid the over-crowded, over-priced bus, I managed to bribe my friend J into driving me and three of my friends by telling him we'd give him a box of amo for his new gun in exchange for the ride. he was on that offer like white on rice. seriously, where do I live? west virginia? but anyway, whatever works works, I guess.

at least I have my... hmm... well...

as we know, I've been having some rough luck lately. through it all, I've been trying to look at the positive side of things by saying, "well, at least I have my health." but then...

yesterday, I got some potentially bad news which was that one of my blood tests indicated that I have a positive marker for rheumatoid arthritis. I'm not sure this means that I necessarily have rheumatoid arthritis but I definitely could, especially since my mom has it. however, I don't really have any of the symptoms. so... who knows? I guess a rheumatologist would which is why I have an appointment with one in a few weeks to find out if I do (or do not) have an incurable disease that will cause my body to attack and destroy itself. fun, huh?

let's see... what else? the usual, I guess. still have dog. still no house. still no boy (big B or small). and that's all okay. as my iChing reading said yesterday (and seriously, I'm not kidding) "k'un: oppression (exhaustion). an unavoidable time of adversity... success is simply not possible now" so I think it's best to just not try. that's not to say I'm giving up but given the circumstances, I think it's best to sort of sit back and take it all in right now. while eating chocolate. and maybe sitting on a beach.

(btw, Jen, how soon are you moving to Hawaii? and how soon can I move in?)

one of the hardest things I've ever done

I have a doctor's appointment this morning. they're going to do some typical tests, like cholesterol and that means I had to start fasting at 8:30 last night. I can't eat until my appointment is over so I've probably got another two or three hours to go. I know it seems like that's not such a big deal but for me, it is. I haven't eaten in 11 hours now and I'm not sure how much longer I can hold out.

I've spent a lot of time this weekend meditating on the problem areas in my life. here are the results:

1. Abby. she's pretty much fully recovered from the other night and seems pretty darn happy to be alive. so.... as long as she's happy to be here, I'm happy to have her.

2. Boy. he called yesterday because he wanted to see me. honestly, I think he was just lonely and didn't want to be alone. I told him about Abby and he said "I'm sorry to hear that" but didn't ask anything about what, specifically was going on, what I was thinking of doing, how I was doing, etc. feeling like he just didn't understand or couldn't relate to what I was going through, later in our conversation I asked, "you know I'm thinking about having her put to sleep, right...?" he said, "yeah, I know." and that was all. and that's exactly what we're not together any more.

3. the job. let's face it. the people I work with (with the exception of my officemate, who is awesome) totally suck. it's a toxic environment and I need to get out of there. right now, we're in the middle of a sight redesign and I think it's good for the resi to stick it out. I figure this will take a good six months or so. so... I guess my goal is to have a new job some time in the fall. but - how exactly does one get a job? internet? I guess so. but it seems like such a black hole. networking? yeah, I guess there's that too but that can be hard. anyway, I guess what I want to say is if those of you who have recently found jobs can give me advice on how to find one, please send the info my way!

not a 100% official diagnosis, but

it seems likely that Abby has a brain tumor.

the diagnosis isn't 100% official because I didn't have a brain scan done on her, just talked to the vet about what's been going on. and the vet (who, btw, is awesome) said she has all the symptoms.

the alleged tumor has been causing mini-strokes over the past few months. at first, they weren't so bad and she seemed mostly fine when they were over. however, last night was not so good. looking back, it had been building up all week - she'd been having more trouble walking than normal, hadn't been eating as much, and was walking sideways. and then it happened.

like the other times, she's better now that it's over but still not back to where she was. the vet said it would take a few days for her to get back to where she was before the incident but that I can expect the episodes to become more frequent and severe. she said that generally, the time between episodes begins to get cut in half. I can't quite remember the last one (and who knows if they're happening when I'm not around)but not last week, or the week before (maybe), but maybe the week before that?

at any rate, what it comes down to is that I'm going to have to eventually say "it's time." and if you do the math, it seems like it's going to be time for me to say "it's time" pretty soon.

(but seriously, wtf right now? I mean, wow.)

a, b, and (most importantly) c

okay, so some of you know that I've hit a bit of a rough patch and have had a number of what one might call "bummers" over the past few months:

- I own the oldest dog in the world and that can be stressful
- Boy and I called it quits
- I fell in love with a house that was already engaged to someone else
- I've had some problems at work with two coworkers who are a) both unhappy, miserable people, b) good friends, c) bothered by me in some way and making sure my boss knows it.

the coworkes are a guy (we'll call him B for boy) and a girl (let's call her W for woman) and it's been just awful working with them the past few months. in fact, things got so bad with B that we had to have a pow-wow/heart-to-heart with our boss. B said it helped him feel better but he also said he has the ability to read people's auras so what can I say? I didn't feel any bettr but I pretended like I did and things were okay for a bit.

however, both B and W seem to have cycles where they become stressed and overwhelmed by work and then get crankier and crankier to deal with, until there's some kind of blowup. then things resolve, go back to "normal" and it starts all over again. B and I had been getting along okay but over the past week or so, he's gotten more withdrawn and anti-social and it's as if you can sense the problem coming.

so... in a meeting today, a few of us (including W) were talking about a design decision. as always, W disagreed with me (I think she's threatened by my degree and feels the need to argue with me just for the heck of it. MAPWs, does this ever happen to you too?) during the argument, B IMed me and said "leeann is so clueless. she just reacts on feeling vs. logic."

I stared at the computer screen, stunned, mouth open. part of me felt like I had just been punched but part of me also had an oddly calm, happy feeling of "dude, you just toally effed up..."

out of the corner of my eye, I saw B's face go pale. he then wrote a bunch of sentences to try to cover his butt, how he meant to substitute W's name for mine so just re-read the sentence with that substitution, etc., blah, blah, blah. I just wrote back and said "no problem. we'll work out the design." more sentences from him, blah, blah, blah. a short simple, "okay, sure." from me. I could tell his was freaking and rightfully so. while I'd like to give B the benefit of the doubt, I don't think I can do that without also thinking I should buy some snakeoil.

I spent the rest of our meeting feeling pretty bad. (despite what some might think, I am human and do have feelings.) but then I had this epiphany: a) it's good to know where you stand with people and at least I really know that. b) B probably feels like a total jackass and that makes me feel better (it is good to lift yourself up on the misfortunes of others!) and, most importantly, c) even if B and W do think I'm clueless, that's their right. I know that I'm not and I don't need external validation (especially from people like them) to know that. bottom line: what they think of me is not what I think of me. it doesn't define who I am and it's not going to ruin my day. so while B will probably lose a bit of sleep over his fauxpaus, I'm gonna be just fine.

so the deal on the place is that the listing agent said the other offer(s) look solid and everything (I think) is set to close on the 15th (or maybe it was the 19th?). so in another two weeks (or so) I'll know for sure on the place.

I'm trying to look at this as a win-win no matter what happens. if I get the place then it's a win and if I don't, well, it was kinda at the top of my price range anyway so at least I won't be poor. that's a good feeling after the spendy weekend I had. unfortunately, all of the spending was on food so I have nothing really to show for it except for tighter pants.

the (notsomuchofa) saga continues

the house thing really isn't a saga but it's more dramatic to think of it that way.

to keep you up to date: yesterday, my backup offer became the official backup offer after which my realtor said (almost a little too enthusiastically) "let's hope their other offer CRASHES!"

guess he gets paid to take the karmic hit for me. good to know.

so today I went to look at a house (townhouse, actually)and totally fell in love with it. I went to make an offer and found out that, after two days on the market, the place was already under contract.

total bummer. total, total bummer. I've looked at 20 places in boulder thus far and have only found one that I wanted. if you count the places I looked at in Denver... well then I'm at close to 40 places. and nothing. no magic. no "this is the one." none of that.

what makes it more of a bummer is that there's not one really solid thing in my life right now. it's all sort of up in the air and uncomfortable (except for my health. I do have that.).

I know that one day, I'll find myself in one of those spots where everything is just clicking and coming together. birds are singing. skies are blue. etc, etc. however, I'm not there right now and I've gotta say, I'm getting a little impatient to be there.

[big sigh]

afraid of me right now

I'm a little afraid of me right now because, for whatever reason, I am soooooooooooooooo hungry.

my work peeps and I are going to chick-fil-a for lunch today but because someone had a meeting until 12:30, we can't go until 12:30. 12:30 is not so late but still, I'm sooooooooooooooo hungry. you know, to the point where I really can't think of anything else besides food.

so is there a real reason I'm hungry or is it just because I can't go to chick-fil-a now and instead have to wait?

ups and downs

yesterday (and the day before that, and the day before that) was beautiful - sunny, 80 degree weather, and not a cloud in the sky. right now, it's snowing.

this morning, walking from my car to work, I put my hand in my coat pocket and pulled out nine dollars. I was so excited that I said, out loud, to the no one around, "there's money in here!"

then this afternoon, we had a 1.75 hr "all hands meeting" that was totally boring but that I wasn't able to skp because the v.p. of my department flagged me down 20 min. before the meeting and asked me to set up chairs.

so like any good, recovering catholic, I sat in the back row and tried not to fidget too much. I also didn't pay attention too much either. instead, I spent most of the entire time contemmplating my life.

I don't necessarily recommend doing this. what good can come from 1.75 hrs of self-examination when one is trapped in an uncomfortable seat in an uncomfortable room? certainly not much. but I suppose that's the ebb and flow of life, the natural cycle of things, the battle for equilibrium...

so what am I really saying? I guess I'm saying that I might be a bit bummed right now but I'm still happy about the nine dollars.

see what I mean?

is it wrong that I just looked up how to nominate someone for what not to wear? does that make me a bad friend or a good friend?

I assure you my motivation is coming from a place of love. (and I also want to say there are days when I could be a good candiate for the show so it's not like I think I'm doing that much better) but I honestly don't think that anyone in their 30's (or anyone for that matter) should be wearing holiday sweaters. where do you even go to buy those things?

anyway, I had to fill out this form with my date of birth and then the site said "you are not old enough to fill out an application." so... um... I know I'm still not old enough to be president but exactly how old do you have to be to nominate someone for the show?

a light at the end of whatever

it's been a rough past few days - mean guy at work. off again with Boy (seriously, let's just pick an option already). housing search in one of the most expensive markets in the country ($238,000 for that? are you sure I can close the bedroom door once my bed's inside?). and other assorted issues.

but alas, life is not so bad. there are four straight episodes of the office on tonight.!

still on it

let's remember back to one of my blog posts from last year where I asked that we at least consider allowing deconsider to be a word.

none of you really agreed with me. well... I subscribe to Merriam-Webster's word of the day email and today's word is disremember. and that's pretty close to deremember which is close to deconsider.

that said, I think we should reconsider deconsider. if you're still against it, perhaps we could compromise on disconsider (which I think is actually already a word)?

does anyone else think it's a little unfair to have not-so-amature people on shows where the whole point is to watch amatures do things?

I know I'm being a bit abstract but let me illustrate my point: Kristi Yamaguchi on Dancing with the Stars. now I have nothing against Kristi Yamaguchi. she's talented and seems like a nice person. but, isn't she really only a step away from being a professional dancer? I mean, she basically dances on ice. she has experience with coregoraphy, timing, contorlling her body, and performing for judges, etc so... I guess my point is that this really isn't fair to Penn Jellitte?

not that I've seen him dance. or her either, for that matter. but when I turned on the TV tonight (to immediately switch to reruns of The Office), the TV was on abc and dancing with the stars was on and, well, there you go.

should I stay or should I go?

so I've started looking for my own place. I've been out and about checking out properties the past two weekends. I had sorta kinda decided that I wanted to live in Denver instead of Boulder but now I'm questioning that decision.

what reasons do I have to live in Denver? it's more diverse and a lot cheaper. those are two good reasons. there's more culture, too and I like that. and did I mention it's more diverse?

but there are reasons to stay in boulder too. I work here. property is pretty much guaranteed to appreciate nicely (everyone here is absurdly well off and because you're not allowed to develop any new land). and the meager life I have in Colorado is here in Boulder. it's also beautiful and chill. and those are all good things.

so now, I'm basically having a bit of a freakout about what to do. part of me thinks I should move to Denver and part of me thinks that if I do, I'll be totally lonely and it will be a repeat (though on a smaller scale) of my move from PA to CO two years ago. that was definitely one of the rougher times in my life and I don't really want to repeat it.

I'm also worried that one of the things pushing me towards Denver is Boy. he and I have been kind of on and off and then more off and then, somehow, back on over the past few months. he lives in Denver (owns a place there) and I think he thinks we'd be completely on if we lived closer. thinking about this rationally, I think it's crap. it's not like we live thousands of miles away. it's like 25. and what difference is a 30 minute commute to Boulder vs. a 20 minute commute to another part of Denver really going to make? probably not much.

so since realizing that Boy could be about half of why I'm thinking about Denver, I'm basically having a bit of a freakout about what to do. maybe the Denver decision is completely wrong. and god knows I don't want to make a decision (like buying a house) for a relationship that's only so-so.

I guess there's the option of renting a place in Denver, seeing how it goes, and going from there but honestly, I'm 33, prices are low, and I've been a renter for way too long. it's time for some stability and funky paint colors.

so, what to do, what to do, what to do? opinions welcome...

an exciting day in the sleepy town

so today, this happened right across the street from my apartment. unfortunately, I was at work and got home just a little too late to see the remote control robot thing detonate (or hose off or whatever) the package in the park. Abby was here all day though, and seemed unimpressed by it all. I guess when you get to be her age, you've sort of seen it all.

look at me when you're talking to me!

so I'm watching TV and a commercial for prostate shrinking drugs comes on. the commercial's topic isn't important but it's one of those commercials that are supposed to be an intimate conversation between the protagonist and the audience. (really, would you want to have an un-intimate conversation about prostate shrinking drugs?)

in the middle of the commercial, the camera switches from a straight-on perspective to a a side perspective. the protagonist keeps talking to the straight-on camera which means the audience is now looking at him from the side as he talks to someone else. but hey... you were just talking to me! why am I not me anymore? why am I now some second, unengaged observer? this has been a trend in commercials for a few years now and it's creeped me out the entire time. it's totally contrived and unnatural but they try to play it off like it is natural in some way and you can tell they think they're being cool with it all. it bugs me.

I've noticed this mostly in financial and prostate/e.d. drug related commercials, which, you could argue, are targeted at men. so now I'm thinking maybe if I were a guy, I wouldn't care? or even notice? maybe it's one of those things that's on the x chromosome...

I don't want to be followed by the weather

I'm working from home today and right now, the TV is on. (I don't usually start work until 8:00 so this is sort of my warm-up period where I read email and ease into things so it's okay that the TV is on...)

it just so happens that good morning america is on* and Dianne Sawyer was just interviewing this guy who apparently faked his own disappearance because he was running for congress (or maybe some other elected office) and wasn't doing so well. it seems he faked the situation (which was pretty elaborate and involved him giving himself frostbite) in an attempt to gain the sympathy of the voters and win the election.

but he got caught. didn't win the election. and is now facing some kind of legal ramifications. the dude was definitely having a tough time with the interview. Dianne's soft but stern understanding was too much for him, I guess. he couldn't keep it together and started crying on national TV.

Dianne thanked him for joining her then said (in a deep, calm voice) "it truly is a perplexing case..." then, (in a much peppier voice) "now for the weather!"

it's a skill, for sure, to be able to go from tragedy to witty banter and weather. but man, if you're the tragedy, the sunshine in the west has gotta make you feel even worse, don't you think?

* two things to note: 1. notice I said "good morning america is on" not "I turned good morning america on." and 2. Neil, you've already made fun of me for this so don't do it again.

for that kind of money, people shouldn't be going to the bathroom in my bedroom

so I've started to poke around at homes to buy. well, homes in Denver and condo type things in Boulder because Boulder is on the expensive side. not super, crazy, out of control like parts of California but still, on the expensive side.

being as afraid of commitment as I am, I haven't contacted a real estate agent or anything like that. I'm just looking at listings online. my officemate is really interested in me buying a place (I think it's a chance for him to live vicariously through my spending) so he sent an email to an agent about a property we saw online this morning (I swear, we sometimes work). in his email he said that he had a friend who was looking for a place and he gave her some specs on me like price range and that I want to live walking distance from a coffee shop (I do. I really do.) and so she emailed back a few listings that she had. this was one of them (search on #529809). hmm... ~$218,000 for 604 sq. ft.? so I went here (on page 2) to look at the floor plan.

my only comment: "$218,440 and everyone who comes to visit me has to pee in my bedroom?" that just doesn't seem right.

I'm only gloating because I have nothing better to do today.

My city is smarter than yours.

Although is it really? I don't necessarily think having a degree means you're smart. Often, it simply means your parents had enough money to send you to college.

But in case that's not enough, my city can also run faster than yours.

And do more push-ups.

So we totally win.

There's a first time for everything

So... happy Super Tuesday everyone!

As you probably know, I live in Colorado and this year, Colorado is part of the whole super Tuesday thing. But what you probably don't know, and what I only found out recently, is that Colorado is a caucus state. Wtf, right? Yeah, tell me about it.

Being the good Democrat that I am, I had planned to go the caucus and participate and blah, blah, blah. But this morning, I found out that one of my friends was/is the captain of our precinct. That means that he was running the caucus for our precinct. And, of course, that means I got roped into helping out.

First there was the sign making. And then the registering people. And then the actual caucusing. I was officially the caucus secretary which, btw, is an elected position and a position that involves more math than you would expect. There were about five times more participants than expected and the scene turned into what can best be described as white collar pandemonium. Funny how the more people you have in a group, the lower the collective I.Q.

But in the end, it all worked out. Our precinct had cookies and apple juice which made us the best one. I take credit for this because when my friend J. asked if I wanted to help, my response was "Will there be free cookies? If so, I'm totally in." There weren't nearly as many crazies as I thought there would be although we had a few (and the crazies were all about the cookies!). There were random, impromtu speeches. There was some changing of minds. And there was one guy for Kucinich and believe it or not, he wasn't one of the crazies.

I'm officially an alternate precinct delegate so if one of the delegates can't make it to the county convention in March, I get to go cast my vote. The woman I'm an alternate for didn't seem too sure she wanted to do this so I think there's a good shot I might actually go. If it's half as interesting as the caucus tonight... well, that will totally suck.

So... what else is there to say? It was an interesting evening but honestly, I really do think that caucusing is a pain in the butt. But, it's totally worth it.

It's hard not to wonder

Abby (my dog) is doing kind of old these days. (Yes, that's right - I said "doing old" on purpose.)

For the past three or four months, she's been slowly but steadily declining. Stairs are hard if not impossible these days. As is getting in and out of the car. But aside from that sort of thing, she's still very much her. Her personality is still intact. She still does the stubborn things she's always done. She still attacks the vacuum cleaner. And she's still eating (a lot!). Because of the mixed signals, I can't tell how she's really doing; Is she in pain? Does she still enjoy her life? Does she still want to be around?

The past few nights, it seems like she's been having trouble sleeping and I'm wondering if she's in pain or if it's something else that's wrong. Abby has an acupuncture appointment on Friday and so I'm also wondering if I should have, you know, "the" conversation with my vet. I don't want Abby to be suffering. I don't want her to be alive if she doesn't want to be alive. But I don't want to end things if she still wants to be a part of them.

This is what thought about all weekend. And, honestly, I have no idea what to do. So...

There's a place in Boulder called the Psychic Horizons Center (and just now, I'm wondering if I haven't blogged about this before) and they do pet readings on Wednesday nights. I'm not sure there will ever be a better time than this to have one of these readings done. But... well... well... you know... well... lots of things.

Maybe I'll just give you the description of the whole thing and leave it at that:

A group of readers, will communicate with your pet and read it's aura to help it heal and increase awareness about any issues or problems the animal is having. Learn about your agreement with your pet this lifetime (what you have each come to teach each other), past lives and deepen your relationship with your special friend.

Bring your pet or its picture. (Please do not bring cats into the center, they are happier at home!)
Allow at least one hour for the session.
Please have your pet in a pet carrier or on a leash for it's protection when you bring it to the center!

Certain death

I work near the Boulder reservoir and sometimes go running on the trails around the res. during lunch. Several of the trails are blocked off by fences with signs that say something like “Certain death upon entry.” Apparently, a dog died there a few years ago, hence the fences and the signs so it’s not as dangerous as one might thing. Still, it’s always a little upsetting to be told you’re close to certain death, whether you are or not, especially when you’re not expecting at all.

My officemate and I have fallen into the habit of doing our I Ching readings almost every day. We have the book and the coins and ask our quiet questions the way would ask a magic 8-ball.

As you may know, it’s been a busy week at work and I’m totally exhausted. Still, I didn’t go snowboarding last weekend (the only weekend this year that I haven’t) so I thought about heading up tomorrow for a half day. I was planning to go up on my own and take a lesson so I could brush up on my turning skills, maybe hit the half pipe. (Anyone who’s ever been snowboarding with me will think the idea of me in the half pipe is funny but don’t laugh. The last time I took a lesson (the only snowboarding lesson I’ve ever had) they took us in the half pipe at the end of the day and I did okay. There were no twists or turns or things like that. Just some “workin the wall”.)

But like I said before, I’m exhausted. So this morning I decided to ask the I Ching “Should I go snowboarding tomorrow?” The hexagram I got for my reading was Tun, which means retreat. The summary section to my reading went exactly like this: This is a time for disengagement and retreat. In stillness you are out of the reach of danger.”

Wow. So no snowboarding for me this weekend. I’ll be at the library instead.

two years and counting

yesterday was my two year anniversary of living in Boulder. that means my blog has been around for two years too. that's a long time and it sort of explains why I've grown a bit tired of this sort of thing and haven't posted in a while.

however, a friend (who shall remain nameless but I know you know who you are) and I both made new years resolutions to write more. because we have the same resolution, we thought we could peer pressure each other into writing more. it worked for a few weeks (I was writing in a journal, not the blog so you couldn't see that I was writing but I was) but recently, it's all fallen apart. however, we made an agreement to both write today and so to make sure that I did it, I committed to the post.

anyway, you don't need to know all of that. but see, I'm rusty so I'm not so in tune with what it is that you want. but, so getting to the point... I've mostly been exhausted recently. there are many, many, many things going on at work, which is a good thing. after spending my first year and a half out here not using my brain at work, I appreciate being able to use it these days.

this week we've had a huge sales/education event going on so I've had to do a lot of meet-and-greet type stuff. I don't want to make it sound like I'm being fake - I really do enjoy meeting new people and I've been having lots of fun - but for me, being an extrovert takes a lot of energy. I can do it for a short period of time and then I'm drained. I've had about five straight days of the stuff right now and I'm more than ready for some quiet time.

tonight we had dinner with the creative agency that works with the marketing department. it was sort of the pinacle of the week - the last real event - like the last mile in a 10K. you know you're almost there and that's a great feeling. however, you know you still have like 15% more to go. and that's still something. it's still work. it's still a little awkward. there are still moments of uncomfortable silence.

however, the agency peoople are cool, fun people from san fran and I feel a general sense of comfort with all of them and I don't quite know why. I think, perhaps, I'm too comfortable with them, sharing too much, treating these people as if they're my friends when really, they're just taking my company's money. but maybe I shouldn't over think it.

we went to a place in town called the kitchen which is excellent and cozy and elegant and comfortable all at the same time. I ate too much, talked too much, and drank just the right amount. it was a good night, I guess, as far as business dinners go. as I was walking home alone after dinner, already imagining myself in my pj's, I saw what I thought was a cat scamper across the street beneath the street light. but as I got closer, the creature stopped in its tracks and doubled back, crossing the street again just a few feet in front of me. this time I could see it wasn't a cat but a fox - sleek and alert and, well, what else is there to say? sometimes I get so sick of boulder but sometimes, at moments like that, or moments like this morning when the pink sunrise was shining off the snowy flatirons, I think there's no better place to be.

in case you're wondering, the dog, Boy, and I made it back to Colorado just fine afer the holidays, which seems like such a long time agon now. while I was there, I got to meet my nephew and he was super cute. there are some pictures of him on my flickr account if you want to see what I mean.

since being back, I haven't been up to much except work and the occasional day of snowboarding. the past two weekends I've been up to the mountains and I've gotta say, it's great to live out here. (btw, Neil, it was good to see you two weekends ago and get a dose of your east coast smart-assness on ice.)

I've also been working on my new year's resolutions (or is it years? or years'?) I don't usually make them but this year I thought I needed to. they are (in no particular order):

1. run like three times a week (yes, I said "like" so that when I only run twice, I don't need to feel bad.)
2. say fewer negative things about people (I'm not going to be nice. just less mean. btw, this one isn't going so well...)
3. attend fewer meetings (work related, obviously, and trickier than one might think)
4. write more - five days a week to be exact. Marisa is in on this one with me and we're trying to peer pressure each other into making it happen. from the sound of things, I think she's doing fine. me on the other hand... well, I've kinda been writing a sentence each day. is that okay?

though honestly, one of my most recent sentences was something like "do you think it's possible for one to contemplate one's eyebrows too much?" I wrote that while I was working from home on Friday. me thinks working from home too much can make one crazy, which would sort of explain some of the "self-employed" people I've met out here.

anyway, I have actually been writing in a journal/diary type thing (what's the difference, you ask? actually, a recent article in the New Yorker talked about it a bit.) and so there's less "writing" or whatever this is in the blog (on the blog?). anyway, I'm sure you're all busy with your resolutions too so who has time to read this anyway. unless your resolution was to read my blog more, in which case, I think we're all in trouble.