hi. long time, no blog. sorry about that. I've been ridiculously busy at work for the past month. in fact, I haven't had a day off in a month now. not one. crazy.

on top of work, there is much going on and I'll have to catch you up when I have a chance. but in the meantime...

let's say, hypothetically, you're hanging out with a friend who potentially has a bit of a crush on you and sort of out of nowhere, the friend says,in a completely honest, matter of fact way, while looking you right in the eye, that what he wants most in life is to have kids in the next two to three years. what's an acceptable reaction in that hypothetical situation? do you think a heartfelt, sincere, "yikes" is okay?

hypothetically, yikes.

rights and wrongs

in case you're all wondering, the house I fell in love with got married to someone else on monday. guess it wasn't meant to be.

it was a good experience though and I learned a lot. however, I can't help but feel like buying a house is analogous to dating. is that wrong? or am I right. and if I'm right, was it wrong that I just broke up with my other realtor and I did it over email? and should I feel like I was kind of cheating on him when I went to look at other houses with someone else before we officially broke up? and should I worry that because I met my mortgage broker through him, it will be awkward to work with her and my new realtor, the way it would be to go to the movies with an ex-boyfriend's friend and a new boyfriend? anyway, just one way to look at it all.

but one more thing: I sleep well at night knowing that whomever my first love married won't decorate him nearly as well as I would have. he didn't know how good he could have had it. isn't that always the case?

one more thing about my health

you know how I said my stomach was hurting every time I ate lunch? turns out it was the 16 oz. latte I had been having every morning. I went dairy free over the weekend and was totally fine. this week, I started drinking americanos again and all's good. so slight lactose intolerance. good to know.

I'd consider giving up dairy completely (I mean, it is unnatural for us to drink the milk of another animal) but ice cream is my favorite food group. and while I enjoy the occasional tofuti cutie, it's just not the same as rocky road.

really, honestly, wonderful

I went to the rheumi on Tuesday and they're almost completely sure that I'm fine.

I don't have RA but there's a chance I could have Lupus because the one blood thingie was kind of really positive. However, you need to have four out of the eleven Lupus symptoms to be diagnosed with Lupus and I only have one (the blood thingie). The doctor said about 5% of people with the blood thingie end up having a false positive (which is a low percentage). However, there are a few factors that can increase your risk of having a false positive; One is if you have a parent with RA (check) and another is if you have a problem with your thyroid (check) so she said she feels pretty sure it's going to be a false positive for me. Just to make sure, they took some blood (actually, a lot of blood!) and are running some more tests to find out for sure. I should know everything in a week or two.

I was so happy I cried in the parking lot after my appointment. sort of like Uma Thurman at the end of Kill Bill Vol. 2 except not as much crying and in a Honda Element instead of a on a bathroom floor.

a proud moment

one more detail to add about my day on Saturday - if you ever find yourself at Oscar Blues in Lyons, Colo, check the top score on the Qbert because it's totally me. (and so is #4 and #10 and #11.)

why boys are good

Friday I had an incredibly wonderful night. I had a massage after work which totally zenned me out. then I had an interesting philosophical conversation outside in the warm, gentle evening light with my friend J while our dogs hung out in the yard. I then drove to the grocery store and bought some chocolate cake that I ate while watching sex and the city reruns.

I was truly happy and thought "who needs a date? this, right now, is just as good, if not better."

but now I am home. alone. and there is a big, stingy thing in here with me.

bugs are totally why god invented boys.

my weekend was good. how was yours?

sometimes, words just don't add anything.

dear rufus v kotum,

today, post-sandwich, post-work, I finally took advantage of your birthday present from many months ago. it was WONDERFUL in a capitalized, italicized sort of way. thank you, very sincerely, from the bottom of my feet.

yours,

lb

(btw, it was way more interesting than I thought and, at some point, involved chocolate, plastic wrap, and these heated bootie things. I couldn't help but think, "if I happen to die right now, this is going to be pretty amusing for whomever happens to fine me.")

I've been toying with the idea of fasting for 24 to 36 hours. something's just not right with my body and the Internet tells me that fasting will allow my body to purge that something from my system. however, fasting seems like it's hard.

on top of the not eating, some of the side effects include pretty much every bad thing that can happen to your body. there's also an good chance for crankiness and you become more sensitive to stimuli in the outside world. one site told me that because the hunger increases the awareness of your senses, loud TVs or radios or people might bother me more. isn't that just another way of saying cranky?

I came up with the fasting idea after lunch today when my stomach didn't feel quite right. I realized that my stomach hasn't felt quite right after lunch for some time now. so if food is causing problems, maybe non-food is a good idea? the sites I consulted also mentioned how fasting was good for "those people who eat whatever they want whenever they want" because it gives your system some time to recover and rest. I felt like they were talking to me personally.

but I thought eating all the time was good because it kept your metabolism up. no?

so I gave it a shot and fasted for... about eight hours. do you think that even counts? instead of flat out fasting, I'm now doing with one site described as "building up to the fast" - having a dinner of brown rice and veggies. maybe I'll give this another try tomorrow. for a few more hours. does that count? if I fast but not for 36 consecutive hours?

the green buddha

we've just begun a huge redesign effort on our company's external site. there is much to do so aside from pee breaks for abby and a brief trip to the tea house down the street for a green buddha (pictured below), I've been at home working for (no joke) the past twelve hours.



I think the green buddha (a frozen blend of green tea, milk, white chocolate and agave) is a drink you get only in Boulder. or maybe it's a drink you can drink openly, without strange looks, only in Boulder. the picture doesn't do it justice. this really is the most vibrant, green beverage I've ever seen (much greener than a shamrock shake) and good, too.

mmmmm.... personal rewards are good! I'm glad I worked hard today.

Race recap

my overall time in yesterday's bolder boulder was not quite as good as I wanted it to be. for the most part, I held steady at my desired pace but somewhere around the halfway point, things went horribly wrong. here's a brief recap of the race, complete with my mile-by-mile times:

Mile 1: 0:08:17.24 - Okay, doing good. Feeling fine. Oooh, a dancing matress!!!!!!
Mile 2: 0:08:47.77 - Slowing it down a bit but I can hold this pace till the end. Good god, those belly dancers really don't help things at all, do they?
Mile 3: 0:09:01.83 - Hmm... I'm starting to feel a little... depleted? I dunno, can't quite put my finger on it but somethings not right... I'm blaming it on the "mellow jazz" type music those stupid musicians have been playing at every stop. Don't they realize this is supposed to be inspirational?
Mile 4: 0:10:53.32 - Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!Ouch!Ouch!Ouch!Ouch!Ouch!Ouch! I've got a cramp in my side, a cramp in my side, a cramp in my side! Wow, that hurts! Dancing mattress, please save me! I don't think I'm gonna make it. And I'm so close to my apartment too... maybe I should just stop? Ouch!Ouch!Ouch!Ouch!Ouch!
Mile 5: 0:08:49.02 - Okay, better? Maybe? I think?
Mile 6: 0:08:48.71 - Okay, better. Definitely better. And no, I don't want any goddamn bacon. Seriously, that's not funny.
Net time: 0:56:24.03 - Done. Phew. That was not exactly fun. But mmmmm, potato chips!

you know what? it's memorial day weekend. I keep forgetting that, probably because I have no big weekend plans and I also have to work. not necessarily the most fun for a holiday weekend but if I can use work now to justify slacking off later I'm okay with it.

the biggest, most exciting thing going on for me this weekend is probably the bolder boulder , a 10K race that takes place on every memorial day. I've predicted that I'm going to win the race, which will be very impressive considering my wave starts 17 minutes after the first wave. now I know what you're thinking: "leeann, you're good but are you that good?" and the answer is yes, I am. it is, however, important to keep in mind that I will be running so fast that I will disrupt the space-time continuum so it may not actually seem like I'm winning. but I am. I totally am. so while it's going to seem like I'm crossing the finish line around 8:15, I'm actually crossing the finish line at 8:15 yesterday, which is way faster than anyone else.

the race starts at 7:00 am which is sooooooooo early and it can be a pain in the butt to get to the start. however, in an effort to avoid the over-crowded, over-priced bus, I managed to bribe my friend J into driving me and three of my friends by telling him we'd give him a box of amo for his new gun in exchange for the ride. he was on that offer like white on rice. seriously, where do I live? west virginia? but anyway, whatever works works, I guess.

at least I have my... hmm... well...

as we know, I've been having some rough luck lately. through it all, I've been trying to look at the positive side of things by saying, "well, at least I have my health." but then...

yesterday, I got some potentially bad news which was that one of my blood tests indicated that I have a positive marker for rheumatoid arthritis. I'm not sure this means that I necessarily have rheumatoid arthritis but I definitely could, especially since my mom has it. however, I don't really have any of the symptoms. so... who knows? I guess a rheumatologist would which is why I have an appointment with one in a few weeks to find out if I do (or do not) have an incurable disease that will cause my body to attack and destroy itself. fun, huh?

let's see... what else? the usual, I guess. still have dog. still no house. still no boy (big B or small). and that's all okay. as my iChing reading said yesterday (and seriously, I'm not kidding) "k'un: oppression (exhaustion). an unavoidable time of adversity... success is simply not possible now" so I think it's best to just not try. that's not to say I'm giving up but given the circumstances, I think it's best to sort of sit back and take it all in right now. while eating chocolate. and maybe sitting on a beach.

(btw, Jen, how soon are you moving to Hawaii? and how soon can I move in?)

one of the hardest things I've ever done

I have a doctor's appointment this morning. they're going to do some typical tests, like cholesterol and that means I had to start fasting at 8:30 last night. I can't eat until my appointment is over so I've probably got another two or three hours to go. I know it seems like that's not such a big deal but for me, it is. I haven't eaten in 11 hours now and I'm not sure how much longer I can hold out.

I've spent a lot of time this weekend meditating on the problem areas in my life. here are the results:

1. Abby. she's pretty much fully recovered from the other night and seems pretty darn happy to be alive. so.... as long as she's happy to be here, I'm happy to have her.

2. Boy. he called yesterday because he wanted to see me. honestly, I think he was just lonely and didn't want to be alone. I told him about Abby and he said "I'm sorry to hear that" but didn't ask anything about what, specifically was going on, what I was thinking of doing, how I was doing, etc. feeling like he just didn't understand or couldn't relate to what I was going through, later in our conversation I asked, "you know I'm thinking about having her put to sleep, right...?" he said, "yeah, I know." and that was all. and that's exactly what we're not together any more.

3. the job. let's face it. the people I work with (with the exception of my officemate, who is awesome) totally suck. it's a toxic environment and I need to get out of there. right now, we're in the middle of a sight redesign and I think it's good for the resi to stick it out. I figure this will take a good six months or so. so... I guess my goal is to have a new job some time in the fall. but - how exactly does one get a job? internet? I guess so. but it seems like such a black hole. networking? yeah, I guess there's that too but that can be hard. anyway, I guess what I want to say is if those of you who have recently found jobs can give me advice on how to find one, please send the info my way!

not a 100% official diagnosis, but

it seems likely that Abby has a brain tumor.

the diagnosis isn't 100% official because I didn't have a brain scan done on her, just talked to the vet about what's been going on. and the vet (who, btw, is awesome) said she has all the symptoms.

the alleged tumor has been causing mini-strokes over the past few months. at first, they weren't so bad and she seemed mostly fine when they were over. however, last night was not so good. looking back, it had been building up all week - she'd been having more trouble walking than normal, hadn't been eating as much, and was walking sideways. and then it happened.

like the other times, she's better now that it's over but still not back to where she was. the vet said it would take a few days for her to get back to where she was before the incident but that I can expect the episodes to become more frequent and severe. she said that generally, the time between episodes begins to get cut in half. I can't quite remember the last one (and who knows if they're happening when I'm not around)but not last week, or the week before (maybe), but maybe the week before that?

at any rate, what it comes down to is that I'm going to have to eventually say "it's time." and if you do the math, it seems like it's going to be time for me to say "it's time" pretty soon.

(but seriously, wtf right now? I mean, wow.)

a, b, and (most importantly) c

okay, so some of you know that I've hit a bit of a rough patch and have had a number of what one might call "bummers" over the past few months:

- I own the oldest dog in the world and that can be stressful
- Boy and I called it quits
- I fell in love with a house that was already engaged to someone else
- I've had some problems at work with two coworkers who are a) both unhappy, miserable people, b) good friends, c) bothered by me in some way and making sure my boss knows it.

the coworkes are a guy (we'll call him B for boy) and a girl (let's call her W for woman) and it's been just awful working with them the past few months. in fact, things got so bad with B that we had to have a pow-wow/heart-to-heart with our boss. B said it helped him feel better but he also said he has the ability to read people's auras so what can I say? I didn't feel any bettr but I pretended like I did and things were okay for a bit.

however, both B and W seem to have cycles where they become stressed and overwhelmed by work and then get crankier and crankier to deal with, until there's some kind of blowup. then things resolve, go back to "normal" and it starts all over again. B and I had been getting along okay but over the past week or so, he's gotten more withdrawn and anti-social and it's as if you can sense the problem coming.

so... in a meeting today, a few of us (including W) were talking about a design decision. as always, W disagreed with me (I think she's threatened by my degree and feels the need to argue with me just for the heck of it. MAPWs, does this ever happen to you too?) during the argument, B IMed me and said "leeann is so clueless. she just reacts on feeling vs. logic."

I stared at the computer screen, stunned, mouth open. part of me felt like I had just been punched but part of me also had an oddly calm, happy feeling of "dude, you just toally effed up..."

out of the corner of my eye, I saw B's face go pale. he then wrote a bunch of sentences to try to cover his butt, how he meant to substitute W's name for mine so just re-read the sentence with that substitution, etc., blah, blah, blah. I just wrote back and said "no problem. we'll work out the design." more sentences from him, blah, blah, blah. a short simple, "okay, sure." from me. I could tell his was freaking and rightfully so. while I'd like to give B the benefit of the doubt, I don't think I can do that without also thinking I should buy some snakeoil.

I spent the rest of our meeting feeling pretty bad. (despite what some might think, I am human and do have feelings.) but then I had this epiphany: a) it's good to know where you stand with people and at least I really know that. b) B probably feels like a total jackass and that makes me feel better (it is good to lift yourself up on the misfortunes of others!) and, most importantly, c) even if B and W do think I'm clueless, that's their right. I know that I'm not and I don't need external validation (especially from people like them) to know that. bottom line: what they think of me is not what I think of me. it doesn't define who I am and it's not going to ruin my day. so while B will probably lose a bit of sleep over his fauxpaus, I'm gonna be just fine.

so the deal on the place is that the listing agent said the other offer(s) look solid and everything (I think) is set to close on the 15th (or maybe it was the 19th?). so in another two weeks (or so) I'll know for sure on the place.

I'm trying to look at this as a win-win no matter what happens. if I get the place then it's a win and if I don't, well, it was kinda at the top of my price range anyway so at least I won't be poor. that's a good feeling after the spendy weekend I had. unfortunately, all of the spending was on food so I have nothing really to show for it except for tighter pants.

the (notsomuchofa) saga continues

the house thing really isn't a saga but it's more dramatic to think of it that way.

to keep you up to date: yesterday, my backup offer became the official backup offer after which my realtor said (almost a little too enthusiastically) "let's hope their other offer CRASHES!"

guess he gets paid to take the karmic hit for me. good to know.

so today I went to look at a house (townhouse, actually)and totally fell in love with it. I went to make an offer and found out that, after two days on the market, the place was already under contract.

total bummer. total, total bummer. I've looked at 20 places in boulder thus far and have only found one that I wanted. if you count the places I looked at in Denver... well then I'm at close to 40 places. and nothing. no magic. no "this is the one." none of that.

what makes it more of a bummer is that there's not one really solid thing in my life right now. it's all sort of up in the air and uncomfortable (except for my health. I do have that.).

I know that one day, I'll find myself in one of those spots where everything is just clicking and coming together. birds are singing. skies are blue. etc, etc. however, I'm not there right now and I've gotta say, I'm getting a little impatient to be there.

[big sigh]