Yesterday, I posted something to C.’s blog that talked about the ebb and flow of life and how it’s easier to be okay with the ebb and flow when you’re in the flow and not the ebb. This weekend, without a doubt, I was in the flow. But I feel like last night, my dreams kicked me back into the ebb. It seems like ever night for the past month (and I know for sure it’s been every night for the past few weeks), P. has been in my dreams and the less I try to think about him, the more he’s there. The dream thing is telling as to how I’m doing with it all, how much I’ve really dealt with it, and, most importantly how much I have (or really, have not) moved on.

But last night, I dreamt about P. and my job and that’s just a horrible combination. However, the two are interconnected so it makes sense. So basically, I hate my job and I’ve spent a lot of time wondering how I ended up here, at this job I don’t like, in the middle of nowhere and the truth is, I ended up here because of P.

I took the job because I thought I’d be moving soon to be with him. I thought I wouldn’t need to be here long. I thought I could tough it out for a year. And I thought the job would look good on my resume. I thought it would be a good stepping stone to fining a new job. If P. and I hadn’t been together, I don’t think I would have said yes to IBM. And maybe I wouldn’t have left Pittsburgh either. And I’m sure I wouldn’t have left the east coast.

But I did. And so here I am. Alone, on my own, in the middle of the country, in a job I don’t like, with no plan to get out of it. This is not a good thing.

I know I should just relax and realize that the ebb and flow will take care of it all. And honestly, there are many, many good things about my situation that don’t have anything to do with my job, my family, or boys. But still… I need an escape plan. Right now, the only plan I have is to stay put through ski season (I’d be foolish not to!) but that’s as far as my plan goes. This time next year… well, who knows where I’ll be. But I’m willing to bet it won’t be in this office, or even this office complex, maybe not even this town…